The Undoing, Cycles, and Rebirth
September 2026
I worried that I’d waited too long to write this blog post, but then I remembered there’s no schedule or calendar or deadline except for the one I make. And if I am trying to move out of the patriarchal rhythm of “hustle, hustle, hustle!” and “produce, produce, produce!” and into a more natural cyclical flow that aligns more with nature, then I can post my blog whenever I like. So I am. I am trying to embody this new rhythm, this new identity that I’ve been birthing for so long now.
September felt very dark to me. I have been in hibernation and hermit mode for a while now, but these past two months of August and September are ones in which I’ve felt very low. I questioned my path, my dreams, and even my sanity. It feels counterintuitive to be in a dark place in some of the months in which we receive the most light and beauty, but I wasn’t here by choice. I was there by necessity.
I made some definitive life decisions at the beginning of this year and I stand by them. I cut out toxic friends who showed me who they truly were and when I did that, my urge to drink alcohol completely left my body. This unexpected side effect was a positive shift within me. It was me embodying a positive boundary that I’d made in my life. I am so proud of myself for doing this because it meant that I was no longer abandoning myself and my needs for others.
I’ve had a lot of friendships fall away in the past decade. Some were my decision to end, and some happened to me. I understand that people come and go in our lives and they usually end up teaching us things about ourselves, so I try to keep that in mind when a relationship comes to a close. I have pondered very deeply the last few that ended and know that they were life lessons for me and despite the range of emotions that each of these endings come with, I know I am a better and more perceptive person because of them.
People often say that it is darkest before the dawn. I believe this also relates to experiencing a dark night of the sole, often followed by a rise from the ashes. I feel like this is likely what has been happening to me. Nine months is the gestational period for human birth and as we are now in the tenth month of the year and I have shed many layers of myself, I feel like this is my rebirth.
I was stuck in a mindset of fear that I’ve been working through for years. I thought I had tackled all of it only to have new fears unlocked each time I thought I was through them all. I am sure there are still many more fears waiting for their turn to emerge, but sitting in a comfort zone of avoidance, pretending things are ok when they really aren’t, isn’t all that comfortable. Because I see so clearly what happens to those in my life and can reveal patterns they might not be able to see themselves, I fall victim to the same fate. I can see what everyone else needs to get through their own struggles, but I often can’t see what it is that I require.
I needed a shift in perspective. I needed help and I didn’t know how to ask for it. I thought I could solve it all on my own. But I couldn’t. My mind was part of my trap. My limiting beliefs played a role. My programming showed up as well. Part of me needs delusional thinking in order to make my dreams come true, but I also need to stay grounded and practical and realistic. This is difficult and for the majority of this year, I’ve been fluctuating between extremes, knowing that this fluctuation is expanding my capacity and preparing me for bigger things, but that doesn't make it any easier to move through.
Recently, a two year milestone passed by without notice. It was significant because someone who was living in my home at the time almost died. Death was a possibility that night and it scared the shit out of me. But it also opened up something within me that I didn’t know I had. It showed me my resilience. It showed me I had the ability to act under pressure instead of freeze. It showed me I had the ability to create boundaries with loved ones that were painful, but necessary. And all of it resulted in so much change that two years later, no one noticed that this milestone quietly drifted by. That is immense. That is so massively powerful. So much has changed in two years that someone we thought might not be on this Earth any more is now back living here, holding down a job, and moving through this world in such a different way. It’s not perfection and it’s not completely healed, but it is so much better than what was.
This is something I need to remind myself of often. I get caught up in the “I’m not where I thought I’d be” thinking instead of the reflective, “Look how much I’ve grown and changed and learned” kind of thinking. Many of us are so caught up in the hustle and bustle and busyness of life that we don’t take the time to slow down and reflect on all the ways in which we’ve grown. So, I invite you to do this now for yourself. Think back to a year ago and who you were and what you were doing. How different is your life now? How many challenges have you survived? How many things have shifted in a good way? How many of those challenges taught you something valuable about yourself that you didn’t know before? Despite how difficult some of life’s experiences can be, they are often a gift that show us how amazing we can be. So take some time to celebrate you and your wins and your growth. You deserve it.
I did receive messages this month, but I don’t think I’ll do anything with them just now. I feel like they were important for me in the moment and likely will reveal a larger message when reflected on in the future. I feel like the nature of this blog might be shifting as well and that’s ok. I don’t always know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, but I do have trust that whatever comes through is coming to me for a reason. I don’t have to know what that reason is now, but I can trust that it will reveal itself when the time is right.
I'll leave you this time with pictures of September. The art projects I dismantled to rebuild anew, the turkeys that were nurtured until they were sacrificed to become nourishment for us, the beauty of the changing of the season and death display in nature, and some of the new birth that has arrived as well.
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