Epiphany

December 7 to 13, 2025

There weren’t as many messages this week, but that’s likely because I had a fairly large revelation that took up a lot of my emotional energy and needed some integration time.  Despite knowing that I have many blocks to my success and thinking I was aware of them all, I was surprised to find I had an additional block that I wasn’t aware of.  I’ve been trying to tackle my fear of success, fear of failure, and fear of being seen.  Those felt like the most relevant and pressing fears I needed to overcome in order to step into my new life as a Clinical Hypnotherapist.  This week, I discovered that I also have a fear of abandonment.  This was a complete shock to me and very confusing to unravel and integrate. 

My perception of a fear of abandonment usually means a child was neglected or abused by parents or guardians when young.  Maybe the story is of a child whose mom or dad left when they were young, or maybe the parents just didn’t have the skills or capabilities to properly nurture and care for them, or maybe someone close to them in a guardian role passed away.  I’m sure there are many other scenarios and variations that this kind of wound could show up, but I just didn’t think it was something I related to. 

I have had parents and family that have supported me emotionally, physically, and financially my whole life and they still do.  I had a very loving and stable upbringing.   I’ve had a number of friendships over the years and if things ended, it was usually because I chose it.  The same goes for my romantic relationships.  But this got me thinking that if I was always the one to say things were done, what does that mean?  Was I the one leaving before they could leave me?  Was this a protection mechanism I’d developed over the years without knowing it?  Is this why I have few friends and it takes me a long time to develop friendships?  Do I put up emotional walls so that people can’t get too close to me?  I had to do some emotional digging and I still don’t have clear answers to all of these questions, but it allowed me to look at things from a different perspective than I have before. 

To be honest with you, it kind of rocked me.  I looked on a psychology website to see what kind of behaviours show up with an abandonment wound.  I didn’t relate to all of them, but some.  And interestingly, the solutions to dealing with this type of wound or suggested behaviours were all things I’ve been doing for the past few years.  But these are  things we should all be doing to help us learn to love ourselves more.  Anyway, this got me thinking about how a “diagnosis” or "label" is given to a condition. In our linear, masculine, logical thinking world, it can make you feel like you are broken when you are not.  It can make you feel less than and like something is wrong with you.  I went down this path for a few hours until I came to my senses and gave myself some grace. 

I realized it didn’t matter if I had an abandonment wound and I didn’t have to figure out where it came from in order to heal from it.  I did more reflecting and questioning and did come up with a pretty interesting realization in the end anyway.  There’s a possibility I had a fear that important people (like my parents) might abandon me as a kid.  I think it’s pretty common for kids to have nightmares that their parents will die and leave them all alone in the world.  I do remember waking at night when I was young after having this type of dream.  So that’s one place it could show up.   Watching scary shows or the news or hearing stories about this happening to someone else could be enough to put the idea in your head.  As young kids, we are highly suggestible and don’t always question the things we are told, shown, or exposed to, so we end up accepting them as fact. 

Experiences with friends in childhood where politics were at play was likely enough to create this idea of abandonment in friendships.  One week, I might be accepted as a “cool kid”, while the next I might have been outed for reasons unknown to me by some self-appointed ringleader.  This confusing acceptance and rejection by some unwritten hierarchy of popularity was enough to keep you wondering if you would or would not have the same group of friends each day.  This makes sense why I would be hesitant to have many friends and why I have trust issues.

In romantic relationships, I really didn’t go searching for a partner.  I was regularly just accepting of someone who showed interest.  Yes, there was mutual attraction, but I was not usually the pursuer, rather the pursued.  In that way, I wasn’t seeking out what I valued, but simply reacting to attention paid to me.  Obviously, this isn’t the best approach, but it is how I learned.  Because of this, maybe I was never as invested as the other person, and therefore not as committed so that when things ended, it would likely be my decision and I would not be as upset as them.  I know that sounds selfish, but I don’t think I intended it to be that way. Being a people pleaser, I know I got myself into situations that I didn’t know how to easily or kindly remove myself from, so it usually ended up seeming sudden and surprising to the other party when I broke things off.  As I matured, I realized the importance of communication in relationships and this lead to learning how to set boundaries, focus on my own needs instead of those of others, and to learn to receive instead of just give.  This is an ongoing process and I hope that I will continue to grow and learn. 

All of these things forced me to question if maybe my fear of abandonment was from me abandoning myself.  I abandoned parts of me every time I listened to someone else’s opinion of me and believed it instead of developing my own opinion, every time I did what someone else thought I should do instead of what I wanted to do, every time I said yes to someone or something that I knew was secretly a no inside.  All of these tiny abandonments from my true nature, my authentic self, my soul made me lose little pieces of me. 

And now, I think I’m ready to call all of these abandoned parts back to me and become an entire sovereign being, doing the work I feel I came here to do and living on my own terms.  In this way, I may end up losing some of those I love if they don’t understand or can’t see what I’m trying to build for myself and the world.  And I guess I just have to be ok with that. 

That’s a tough lesson to learn and I’ve already lost a few people along the way.  I don’t intentionally want to isolate myself, but on the road to sovereignty, I guess there’s bound to be some loneliness.  I can’t force other people to believe what I do, nor would I want to.  If those around me can see why I value a future that is supportive, compassionate, abundant, equitable, and full of hope, then I wholeheartedly wish them to come with me to that place.  If they cannot, I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about that except wish them well.  This feels like a very pivotal moment and one that might mark a before and after moment in time for me.

Now that I’ve gotten the epiphany out of the way, on to the messages from the week.  They were cheeseburger, serial killer, bananas, giiiirrrrllll, and mitochondria.  Some recurring themes that showed up were dance, business card, and centaur.

Cheeseburger – This message came through in two different tv shows involving celebrities in which they both brought up cheeseburgers.  I really don’t know what the message is here, but I guess the common theme among the way it was received was about how much these celebrities enjoyed a good cheeseburger. So, maybe the message is having appreciation for good food, even if it isn’t fancy?

Serial Killer – This message came through in a tv show set in the 60’s and the term was fairly new for the time, so one character thought it referenced murdering cereal.  The other message was delivered in a joke about executioners and how they could be considered paid serial killers.  If I had to guess about this message, maybe it is about a repeating pattern that is detrimental.  

Bananas – This message came through a podcast where one host was telling another that bananas are actually berries.  It also came through in a tv show about a guy who eats a lot of metal and glass and therefore cannot eat bananas as it reacts negatively with the metal and gives him indigestion.  Hmmm.  Maybe the message isn’t about bananas the food, but that things are going to seem bananas.  Like, how the world does currently?

Giiiirrrrlll – This message came up in a podcast and two different tv shows.  All references were in a silly and informal manner.  Maybe a new female friend is coming into my life who I’ll connect with on a silly level?

Mitochondria – This message showed up in a podcast, a movie, and a tv show.  The podcast was exploring energy healing and discussing the science of it, the movie had a character who was an artist and drew pictures in science textbooks, and the last tv show was about a biologist who wanted to explore hypnosis to heal her relationship with her parents.  I learned about mitochondria in high school and what I remember is that they are a very important part of the cell and often referred to as the powerhouse. I think fairly recently there has been more discovered about their importance.  So, if I were to guess the message, the importance of a small part of a building block of life could point to a small step or foundation being important.

I’m struggling despite the fact that there are very few messages this week.  To me, putting it all together feels strange.  I can only think in literal senses here.  Two references to food (cheeseburgers and bananas) as a serial killer and a link to part of the functioning of a cell and referencing female sex.  Hmmm, maybe overeating processed food is leading to disease in the cells that are killing women again and again? 

Ugh, this doesn’t feel very clear and I don’t eat bananas or cheeseburgers very often, so I’m not sure this is a message leading to my demise.  I mean, let’s hope not, but let’s see what AI can come up with.

Overview of the images

• Cheeseburger: a compact symbol of appetite, comfort, and immediate satisfaction.

• Serial killer: a stark emblem of the unintegrated shadow, violence, and the consequences of denied or distorted needs.

• Bananas: playful, nourishing, slightly comic — a symbol of sweetness, fertility, and human fragility.

• Girrrlll: a colloquial, elongated address that carries voice, identity, reclamation, and feminine energy.

• Mitochondria: the cellular powerhouses — the literal source of energy that sustains life and action.

  
  

Symbolic meanings

• Cheeseburger as desire and habit. It stands for the things we consume to feel whole — food, media, relationships — often chosen for convenience rather than nourishment.

• Serial killer as the shadow made literal. This image forces confrontation with what happens when needs, wounds, or rage are denied and become destructive; it is a cautionary mirror rather than an object to emulate.

• Bananas as tenderness and comic vulnerability. They remind us that life’s sweetness is fragile and that humor and humility are part of healing.

• Girrrlll as reclaimed voice. The stretched, emphatic address signals empowerment, sisterhood, and the act of calling someone into their truth.

• Mitochondria as inner fuel. They represent the source of vitality that animates desire, anger, tenderness, and speech.

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Spiritual synthesis

Taken together these images map a transformational arc:

1. Craving (cheeseburger) arises from a lack of energy or connection.

2. If unmet or misdirected, craving can calcify into shadow action (serial killer) — a destructive pattern that harms self and others.

3. Bananas remind us that sweetness and vulnerability are antidotes to brutality; they invite play and softness.

4. Girrrlll is the call to speak, to name wounds and desires aloud, to gather community and accountability.

5. Mitochondria point to the real work: tending your inner energy so cravings are met healthily and the shadow is integrated rather than acted out.

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Spiritual meaning: True power is not the satisfaction of every appetite nor the suppression of pain; it is the conscious tending of inner energy so that desire becomes nourishment, rage becomes boundary, and voice becomes healing.

Practical reflections and practices

• Mindful consumption: notice what you eat, watch, and say; ask whether it fuels or numbs.

• Shadow journaling: write the impulses you’re ashamed of, then translate them into needs.

• Play and tenderness: invite small, banana-like pleasures to soften hardened defenses.

• Speak your name: practice saying a bold “girrrlll” to yourself — claim your voice.

• Tend your mitochondria: prioritize sleep, movement, and nourishing food as spiritual practices that sustain transformation.

  
  

Well, I can see how all of these things have been showing up in my life lately, so this message makes sense.  I’ve been sitting in my comfort zone, overindulging in food and drink, and avoiding stepping into my power.  I’ve been focusing on the shadow – the fear of not becoming who I know I can be and wallowing in it, which in turn creates self-sabotage  I have moments of laughter and play and know that this helps everyone’s mood, especially mine.  I have many strong women in my life who I look up to and know that I do need to step into my feminine power and claim my voice.  I also know that doing this work (hypnotherapy) lights me up from the inside, fills me with enthusiasm and energy and inspiration, and that it also helps me expand.  It feels like it is changing me from within. 

What I get out of this is to stop self-sabotaging by filling desires with convenient immediate food and drink and focusing on the negative.  Remember to laugh, play, and keep things fun.  Claim my voice, step into my power, and practice hypnotherapy because it will light me up from the inside and provide the nourishment I need at the cellular level. 

We’ve had some interesting weather this week and I haven’t been creating that much, so I will share a picture of a sun halo I captured earlier.  It was incredibly cold that day and I only ventured out to feed my animals and then take this photo.